"You Disappointed Me"

and I never said it out loud.

I first started writing this when I was once again disappointed by someone I loved and cared about. Later on, it became something that shows how vulnerable I get when I form a connection—whether it’s a friendship or a relationship. I tend to search for a deep, soul-level connection, and when people don’t meet me in the middle, I get... well, disappointed.

Every time I meet someone new, I immediately feel like we clicked. We love the same color? Nice. We love the same musician? Great. We love the same TV show? More inside jokes to make.
But also, every time I feel like we’ve bonded, they start to pull away. I know it makes me sound clingy, but stay with me here a second—

So I met this friend online and realized we were both living in the same city. We talked about having a drink, and a few weeks later, we became friends. We were meeting up every other weekend and having non-stop conversations about everything—our lives, the city, celebrities, etc.
After a while, I realized I was always the one texting first and arranging the meetups. So I stopped texting first.
Next thing you know, we’ve never met again.
And I kid you not—this happened to me four times this year alone.

I won’t drown you in every failed friendship or relationship story I have (and trust me, I have plenty), but I do hope you get my point.

People in my life tend to live how they want to, which is absolutely, incredibly fine, until it reaches a point where I get left out, ghosted, and never contacted again. Ever.
Yes, I do root for you to be your most authentic self—because I am your friend—but where does that leave me once you get what you hoped for?
Was my friendship to you just a temporary, basic human connection?
Did I read too much into it?
Am I mistaken here?
Or am I reading too much into it right now?

I’ve tried to wrap my head around the idea of “people come and people go,” but I feel like at least some connections were meant to last?
I see people with their childhood friends, college buddies, or even rivals-turned-friends.
However, I still don’t understand why none of this is working for me.
Maybe I’m expecting too much from people who won’t meet me where I want them to be.
I know everyone is their own person, and not everyone can get along with one another—yes, I’m aware of that.
Maybe I should let the illusion wear off and accept reality.
This also applies to relationships.
(I’ll elaborate on that in another post.)

Every night when I put my head on my pillow, I always dream about having a caring, sentimental, and supportive friend group. And every day, more and more, this feels like an impossible thing to have.
Not just fair-weather friends.
Not coworkers who will eventually gossip behind your back.
But actual ride-or-dies.

In conclusion: Everyone is their own person, and everyone has their own people.
I should stay optimistic and open about finding mine and not let past experiences get to me.
You have no idea how long it took me to say that.
But at the age of 25, I’ve acknowledged it—and, believe it or not, I am grateful for the people who entered my life.
Even if they graciously left.

If you’ve read this far, from the bottom of my heart—thank you.
Writing is not my best skill, but I’m still trying to do my best.
Excuse my mistakes, please. I will do better (eventually).

Feel free to leave a comment or send me a message if you’d like to talk about whatever.
Thank you for your time and support.
Talk to you soon. xx